Family caregiving can be stressful under any circumstances. Family conflicts may occur when parents and siblings have not discussed important things, such as the location of documents, i.e., wills, powers of attorney (financial and health care), insurance policies, stocks/bonds/other investments, financial information (banking institutions, types of accounts, loans) and end of life scenarios determining their wishes.
It is desirable to have these discussions with your parents and jointly agreeing on the most desirable course of action before a time of crisis when they may be cognitively impaired or cannot make the decision themselves. Unfortunately, when adult children have not spoken to their parents or each other before such an event, they may find themselves at odds when decisions must be made quickly.
As a parent ages questions arise such as: Where will he or she live? Who will be the primary caregiver? How will the workload be divided? What if several siblings live a distance away? How can all share the responsibility?
Based on research done by Home Instead Senior Care and the Boomer Project, in 43 percent of U.S. families, the primary responsibility for providing most, or all, of the care falls on one sibling - most often a daughter in her 50s living nearby.
How can siblings better share the care?
First, talk and listen. Ninety percent of seniors want to remain independent at home, so children must know the parent's wishes. Ask the "what if" questions. Openly communicate your understanding of the parent's needs and wants.
Second, research options. Know the in-home care providers, care communities and agencies providing other senior services where the parent lives.
Third, plan ahead before the need arises. You can rest assured that if all are in agreement regarding the decisions you are about to make, everyone will have peace of mind.
Fourth, be flexible. The needs of seniors change as they age. Siblings should recognize one another's skills, interests and availability and decide the role of each.
Fifth, be honest. If you're the primary caregiver and it's getting to be too much, ask your siblings for help! Be specific in stating what your needs are and how they can help. If they are unwilling to help, there are quality in-home care agencies that can.
For more information about how to begin conversations with your parent (the 40/70 Rule) or with your siblings regarding sharing the care of a parent (the 50/50 rule), visit www.caregiverstress.com.
Article originally appeared Tuesday, May 17th, 2011 in the Bluffton Sun.
