Consider
the following scenario: Mom is late stage Alzheimer’s and lives with Dad in a
small town. The four adult children live
several hours away. After a recent visit
by the oldest daughter, it has become apparent that Mom has declined significantly. Dad is exhausted. The daughter has contacted her siblings and
expressed concern about both parents and her anxiety about what needs to be
done to help them. What’s next? A family meeting to discuss how to best handle a loved
one’s declining health has the potential to build bridges or create divisions
among family members. Here is a guide for
a successful meeting.
First, get all family members involved. No
exceptions. Having
a clear purpose, a convenient time and location, and an attitude of teamwork
motivates people to attend. Distance can
be overcome via a conference phone call or internet conference, such as Skype or
Facetime. Since Mom’s dementia
makes her incompetent to make decisions, Dad should hire a caregiver so he can
fully participate. Discussion topics may include:
personal care, finance/billpaying, transportation, cleaning, groceries/cooking,
legal issues, doctors’ appointments, safety, emotional support and housing.
Discussing everyone’s expectations creates an atmosphere of honesty and a
willingness to listen to each other. Though this discussion may produce awkward
and uncomfortable feelings for some family members, it helps to acknowledge and
accept each person’s feelings.
Written
communication is vital. Designate a
note taker who takes minutes. At the end
of the meeting, copies should be sent to everyone to avoid any
misunderstanding.
Second, organize. Questions
to discuss: What are our options? What do we need to know? “What if”____
happens? What can each of us contribute? Who else needs to be involved? How
will scheduling or emergencies be handled?
What community resources are available?
Is it time for outside help? Talking in advance about difficult
situations will lessen future problems and clarify communications. Assess the best use of family members skills and
record who is agreeing to take responsibility for each area discussed.
Third, analyze. Gaining factual knowledge. Agree ahead of
time that everyone will try to work together and acknowledge that adjustments
will have to be made. Analyze and reassess the plan as the situation
progresses.
Fourth, recognize. Emotional factors underlie all family
meetings. Members may be at different places emotionally. Respect the other
person’s right to express feelings, even to say no. Use effective communication
techniques such as using “I statements” and empathetic listening to strengthen
relationships. Recognize the grieving process - with all its emotional stages -
is already happening.
Resources: Stages
of Senior Care: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Making the Best Decisions by
Paul and Lori Hogan; www.caregiverstress.com and www.HelpforAlzheimersFamilies.com for
videos and education, caregiving tips, elearning course for Alzheimer’s and
other helpful resources.
Rachel
Carson is a Certified Senior Advisor and owner of Home Instead Senior Care.
